Roxy Ruse is WeDeepen's community manager and events coordinator. She recorded episode 142 of Christina Weber's podcast on her third day on the job. She was married for about 15 years, and she and her former husband now co-parent their children. When Christina asked what happened to desire in that marriage, Roxy gave one of the clearest answers we've heard: it wasn't hormones, and it wasn't time. It was safety, trust, and repair. This guide sums up that part of the conversation. Quotes are from the episode transcript, lightly edited for readability.
She did all the things
Like a lot of people in long relationships, Roxy reached a point where she couldn't understand why her desire for her partner had gone. "I did all the things. I went to the therapist. I went to the doctor. I went to the hormone doctor. I was like, what is going on with me that I can't actually have this, even emotional connection, or this physical desire for this person that I've been with, that I should be so connected to?"
Checking the physical side first is sensible, and worth doing. But for Roxy the answer wasn't there. "What personally impacted me with desire was a sense of safety and a lack of trust."
Desire fades in the space where repair should be
It took her a long time to see where the lack of safety came from. "My sense of safety and my lack of trust was due to a lack of desire to repair within the relationship."
She thinks this is one of the hardest things a couple can face: one person sees that something needs repairing, and the other doesn't. "When one person is not willing to see, or willing to even attempt to understand or feel that maybe repair needs to happen in some way, shape or form, then that creates space. And in that space, the desire ends up fading."
That's a different picture from the usual story that desire simply wears out. In Roxy's telling, desire faded because hurts kept going unrepaired, and each one left a little more distance.
Repair is a practice nobody taught us
Christina asked what someone in a relationship right now could do to start repairing. Roxy's first answer: "We are not taught how to do that." She never saw repair modeled growing up. "I never received repair as a child. So I didn't know what it felt like."
Christina pointed out why it's so hard in the moment: when a rupture happens and your nervous system is triggered, you can't reach for the tools you know. The answer is repetition. Inside WeDeepen, members had just had a Love Mastermind on nonviolent communication and kept practicing it together afterward. Roxy's advice: find a repair method that "feels good to your body," then "practice, practice in community, practice with your friends. I practice with my kids."
Whatever the method, she says the core is the same: come back to yourself, connect, and slow down. "Repair does require you to slow down and be present with another person in the uncomfortable."
Be unoffendable, and let it be messy
Most people avoid repair because the conversation is uncomfortable and they're afraid of saying it wrong. Christina shared a practice she uses in her relationships and at WeDeepen: being unoffendable. "When I'm unoffendable, then it gives spaciousness for somebody else to be messy with their words for a moment, and then we can come back to alignment."
What both of them are listening for is care, more than perfect wording. "You can really sense energetically when somebody's heart or energy, when they really care," Christina said. That's what most of us want from a partner: proof that our experience matters to them.
Make it safe to be fully yourself
Roxy carried the lesson into her current relationship, with a partner of two and a half years. Her intention now: "that the other person always feels like they can be who they want to be with me, or that they feel like they can share whatever they want to share with me."
She has felt what that does from the other side. Her partner gave her "a space in their world to be my complete honest, silly, crazy, annoying, neurotic self," and in that safety she was able to rewrite old stories about not being good enough, not being able to use her voice, and her desires being "unacceptable, not good enough, weird." Safety, in her experience, is what lets desire come out of hiding.
Safe is not the same as settled
Christina added a twist from her own love life. A friend looked at a man Christina had a mild crush on and said he looked safe, too safe, like settling. When the friend showed her someone else, Christina felt more butterflies. Roxy named it "fear of the uncomfortable." The takeaway for long relationships: safety and trust are the foundation, but desire also needs a little aliveness and risk. Both matter.
How this fits WeDeepen's approach
Christina believes community is your third: the people who help a couple stay in love, the way guests at a wedding promise to. WeDeepen exists so couples have that third and a place to practice. Love is a trainable skill, and repair is one of the most important parts of it. For the research on keeping desire alive, read how to keep desire alive in a long-term relationship, and to decide what kind of help fits, see couples coaching vs. couples therapy. If you're in a long relationship that has gone flat, WeDeepen's membership for couples and long relationships gives you weekly live sessions with relationship experts, including Love Masterminds like the one on nonviolent communication, starting with a free trial. Come play with us.
FAQ
Who is Roxy Ruse?
Roxy Ruse is WeDeepen's community manager and events coordinator, based in Austin. She has hosted community events for years and has studied love and relationships for at least five.
Why does desire fade in a long relationship, according to Roxy?
In her experience, it faded because of a lost sense of safety and trust, which came from hurts that were never repaired. She ruled out medical causes first, which is worth doing.
What is repair in a relationship?
Repair is how a couple comes back together after a rupture: slowing down, being present in the discomfort, and showing the other person that their experience matters. Nonviolent communication is one method.
How do you get better at repair?
Practice it often, with your partner, your friends, your kids, and in community, so the tools are there when your nervous system is triggered.
Where can I listen to the full episode?
Episode 142 is on the WeDeepen podcast page, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.